Quantum Metamorphosis

Tue, 29 Jan 2008 19:57:38 GMT

Well, it seems to me thus far that the school year seems quite promising to me. In half an hour I will begin my writing for the media course. The day is cold and sleepish, grey, with a hint of urgency in regard to finding employment with a place I will be happy to tolerate. Also, a place that is not shady does the mind and body [and the bank account!!] good too. Things I have discovered lately:

-Snapple Fruit Punch is what i've been missing the last half of my life.

-There is an organ located above the eye which converts salt-water to fresh-water.

-Money is good. It grows on employment trees.

-I think I'm turning Japanese.

There you have it, folks. This has been an example of an entry posted for absolutey no particular reason, with absolutely no particular purpose, and will probably be erased from our memory in due time.

And Now, for coffee. Coffee, and a good read.

Currently Reading: "Nineteen Minutes" by Jodi Piccoult

I'm not gonna write you a Love Song...

Tue, 08 Jan 2008 21:46:41 GMT

The year 2007 has been, in fact- relatively disheartening. Such had been the case with 2006, and I remember well crossing my fingers in anticipation and with hope for a better year in 2007. We were looking forward to a new year, a fresh start- Just to find out shortly after the New Year began that we were... well... __________. For those of you who know, that's all that matters.

Thus, 2007 began with a terrible blow to the heart. It continued to spiral downhill as we grew into an array of wild and painful emotions concerning the matter. After about four months, the pain began to soften but not really dissipate. In March, David's grandmother Dottie unexpectedly passed away due to surgical complications with suspected malpractice. It was a very difficult and emotional time. Although, down in Florida I did get to meet a lot of his extended family. Fabulous people.

In May I left David for many, many reasons, such which had been building up for a long time and finally the time came when the wind blew so violently that I knew: It was time. Within a 24 hour period I received a phone call from an old, dear, and highly cherished friend, Nic Ferri. We got together and fell in Love instantly, although it was damned Long-distance as he had to leave in 9 days to continue his position with the US Air Force, and travel onward to South Korea, at Kunsan Air Base. He would be gone for 11 months, but we knew that there were no questions to be asked regarding whether or not we would attempt this long distance.

After three months I discovered he wasn't being absolutely honest with me, nor emotionally faithful. After eight and a half very long hours, crying uncontrollably and smoking cigarette after cigarette, (I'd quit smoking for two years...) I finally managed to confront him when he returned from work and after a 5 hour phone conversation and some change online, I decided after much contemplation, much strenuous and painful contemplation, that I would give him the benefit of the doubt.

The distance was something that would have been very easy to overcome- But in this equation of love, it takes two. Both parties must be equally convinced of the presence of the other in their lives, and both parties must provide equal contributions to the relationship concerning communication and other such things.
Very important, here, but nonetheless...

.... I fell into a very dark place between the start of the semester and around the end of October. I'd developed a vicious drinking problem, amongst some other very personal issues. I became very depressed and felt as though Nic was simply not present in my life. He knew about the things going on in my life because I made the effort as much as I could to e-mail him with updates and information. He just.... wasn't there for me the way he should have been. The way you naturally are when somebody you love and care about is enduring some terrible times.
And might I just make myself clear: That does not involved abandoning them, leaving them flat.

Which is inevitably what happened between us, his decision to leave me on December 10th.

It's alright however, because a man who is as immature and truly mean and disastrous as he turned out to be, is not the type of man I want or desire or need in my life. Unfortunately, he turned out to be something I never thought in my wildest dreams he would be; An emotional traitor.

I find myself crossing my fingers yet again this year. May 2008 please bring me prosperity in my finances and in my romantic life, in my companionships and friendships, financial bliss and happiness and health for my beautiful family and loved ones, and excellent scholarship on my behalf. I know I damn well deserve it.

Please, for the love of GOD.

Life without Comfort, and without Joy.

Wed, 05 Dec 2007 01:53:47 GMT

Must I be so cliche as to open up this post with a sappy, pathetic: "Why the fuck am I never anybody's priority, ever??!!"

But, yeah, really.

I feel that I shall never be top priority to anybody. With the exception of my mother and father, of course. Really, I can only honestly say my mother. I feel lousy right now, in this moment. I shouldn't be. Well... All joking aside, I really should be.

I'm absolutely broke, the credit card company is calling me multiple times daily and its going to be a few months before I'm even lucky or fortunate enough to be able to begin to even tap into the debt that I owe, let alone even the ability to adhere to monthly minimum payments. I don't know.

In addition, I've also failed three of six classes which will require that I re-take those three at some point in my academic endeavor so that I can cancel out the F grades and transform them into A grades. That aside, on the topic of school, I'm rather anticipating class registration for spring semester. I'm going to be taking Writing and Journalism for Media, Introduction to Media studies, Introduction to Film studies, Japanese 2, Mathematics of some sort, and perhaps an elective of some sort such as photography or painting.

Right now, Peter and I are at the Factory Cafe in the village. I love this place, very much. I feel quite at home here. I'm rather exhausted, however. My patience for life is wearing thin. If only I could acquire a co-signer of some sort to aid me in acquiring more student loans. If only.... If only many things.

Many, many, many things. Also, how God-Damned hard is it to compose a six minute e-mail, to the one you supposedly love? Am I being far too bitter? Far too cold? I just can't comprehend it. Let's bounce back to the original point of this blog post. My heart continuously and perpetually breaks each time I sign into Juno to receive the "You have NO NEW MAIL" alert in bright red font.

The downside of the Factory Cafe is, however, that seat behind me over there. It's a cushioned bench aside a coffee table, and to the right is an internal window, with fake ivy upon a brick wall for ambiance. Beware, friends. That window is actually attached to the wall of the bathroom, and it sometimes will reak of shit, not to mention the lovely sound of the toilet flushing over, and over, and over again.

I'll just continue to sip on this Jasmine Blossom tea and hope for better things.
I hope tomorrow I'll find better things.

A Case of You.

Thu, 29 Nov 2007 21:53:36 GMT

First of all, might I just note for one moment that from this day forward, I vote for sandwiches! I haven't had a cold-cut hero in many months [mostly due to the quantity of bread ratio to protein/veggies {also, i'm trying to watch my weight, for what its worth}], however today around 4:15 my belly deemed it's biological needs worthy of the study time i'd set aside to complete my persuasive speech, so I made a pit-stop at the cafeteria here at City College. As usual, I headed straight for the salad bar. They usually offer decent options, so I can throw together a healthy spinach salad, usually topped with black and green olives, tomatoes, sprouts, beets, olive oil and balsamic vinegar, and a strip or two of grilled chicken. It's satisfying, light, and inexpensive. However, today, as I passed through the turnstile to enter the Bobby's World of school cafes, (mostly i'm referring to the zany and chromatic layout of everything) I suddenly see the sandwich bar to my right and it occurs to me immediately that no, I will not be satisfied with yet another stupid spinach salad, Damnit. I step in line and look over the menu, and decide upon roast beef with provolone. They were, however, out of roast beef.. [The cows were set free by some vegan activists on the L.I.E by force of laser punishment on the food delivery route??] So I settled for Salami.
Anyway, point being, This was the most delicious sandwich i've had in quite a while and I need to remember to create more sandwiches for meals at home from now on. Cheap, quick, easy... like I like my women.
*ahem*
like i like my men.
*a-HEM*

Well.

Anyway, with that settled and out of my system, I've much more on my mind i'd like to verbally and mentally bleed out of my veins: HOW IN THE HELL IS IT 2007? AND IT IS ALMOST OVER! The last six months have gone from being one of the best times of my life to amongst the very, very worst. I think its fair to say i've experienced much, much more since re-locating back to Manhattan in said six months than in my 22 years of life. Perhaps that's an exaggeration, I don't quite know. Sparing the obvious details, all I can think of to say is that Love ain't easy. I think also the best way to put this situation into clear context is to say that we may not like the bloody equation, and it may be long and painful and difficult, atrocious while it lasts, even, but I think it may be clear that we understand we already have accomplished the answer, and just need to learn how we deal with getting there in the first place. The work involved IS the answer, and whether or not we are willing to comply with our hearts true needs and desires, or if we would rather stupidly settle for less than all that is achievable.

Damned if we're not Damned.

But there is a way out!! .. Leap of Faith, Leap of Faith... Leap of Faith, Leap of Faith:

Only thing to do, Only thing to do is JUMP
Leap of Faith Leap of Faith, Leap of Faith Leap of Faith

Only thing to do is jump OVER the Moon...
Leap of Faith Leap of Faith, Leap of Faith, Leap of Faith

As winter unfolds, as the heart descends, She unravels...

Mon, 26 Nov 2007 22:16:50 GMT

I'm sitting in my apartment playing Donkey Kong for Super Nintendo. I'm happy about that, but that's about all I'm happy about. All i'm allowed to be happy about, anyway... .. . . Life has been kicking my ass. i'm stronger than ever before, however, so I'm able to handle the shit with a fist full of air brass knuckles. Still, I can't say i'm not jaded. I find that I entertain the idea of some things far too much, and I regret to say I feel like a pool of guilt and diarrhea. In addition, I'm supposed to be beginning my new employment with Whole Foods this Friday, but I can't help but feel like even though it's a nice opportunity, it is only a part time position and I'm never, ever going to get out of debt. I wish that I could do something to reform my financial situation. I need to work full-time, at an excellent pay grade, to even begin to feel alright, to even begin to have enough money to pay my bills each month AND put away money into savings. I'm tired, tired of feeling so much stress. I've also relapsed on a certain "disorder" which has been bringing me down immensely. In some strange, sick, and fucked up way it satisfies me nonetheless once its over. I feel dangerous, and all I want is to be succesful and happy. I really blew away this semester. I'm nervous. I think i'll only pass 2 of six classes i'm registered for. Next semester will be a different story. I mean i'm now settled here in Manhattan, it has been about six months since I moved back here, and i'm on my own... emotionally, financially... It's definitely something that took major adjustment. I've met some good people, some really, really fucked up people, and i'm ready for something more. I'm ready to be immersed in my career in film and cinema and make the amazing something of myself that I know without doubt I am destined to become.... But where and how do I start?

I Love you to the Bone, like an Anorexia... an Anorexia...

Fri, 23 Nov 2007 16:32:17 GMT

Black fucking Friday.

Black fucking Heart.

I don't know the answers anymore. I've past the point of no return, I've past the mission, I've past the place where heart melts fear. Today I am absolutely... empty. Fortunately my good friend Janet is on her way over so that we may re-unite for the first time in six months. I'm so excited to see her. My life is a great big Belgian waffle. Delicious, sweet, too big, disgusting, overwhelming, and makes me want to either stick my finger down to the core of my esophogas or else swan dive off of the next bridge.

I'm running on empty, now. I don't know the answers, I don't know who is feeling what, I don't know who honestly gives a damn. Why should I, I suppose? It's no different than the course of damned emotions I've grown so accustomed to. In fact, I should be bitter and I should be cold. I cannot help but..

Fuck it. I can't write now. I'll finish this later.